Post by Jenny McDaniel: Jenny is in her 21st year of teaching English, all at Bettendorf High School.
As a high school English teacher, I work with roughly four
hundred students a year; multiply that over the twenty-one years that I have
taught, and you can see that I have had the great fortune to meet and know many
teenagers. Perhaps one of the greatest lessons I have learned from my students
is to ask questions first. It is always
easier to judge people than it is to understand them. Judging someone takes a split second, but
understanding takes time, effort, and sometimes it requires us to push aside
our preconceived notions and listen with a pure intent to truly understand.
I
particularly remember learning this lesson when there was a girl who came to my
senior Interpersonal Communications class every day and put her head down on
the desk. I could feel my irritation growing as the days progressed, until I
recognized that I had formed a full judgment of her. She was, according to me, lazy,
disrespectful, apathetic, and destined to fail my class. Notice that in forming my judgment, it was
all about me. At this point, I did not
bother to ask her “Hey, what’s going on?
Is there something that is preventing you from paying attention?” To my chagrin, she stayed after class one day
because she needed her make-up work. We
started to talk, and I softened enough to ask the questions I should have asked
in the first place. As it turns out, her
apparent apathy had nothing to do with me--- shocking. She was being abused by her father. Every afternoon when she left school she
lived in fear, so school was her solace, a place she could sleep, let her guard
down, and feel safe. I fulfilled my obligations as a mandatory reporter, and
from that day forward when she slept in my class, I simply patted her on the
back and let her know I was available if she needed me. Because I asked the
questions, I understood her, and when I understood her, I could treat her with
kindness and empathy.
Similarly,
I remember the day I went for my son’s fourth grade conferences. The teacher, a thirty year veteran, seemed to
suggest that she believed he was “slow.”
She said, “I was shocked by your son’s high test scores. Whenever we address him in reading group, he
does not make eye-contact. I had to
check the high scores twice to make sure they were his.” After I pushed my jaw up and bit my tongue,
it occurred to me that had she just talked to my son or asked him questions,
she might have realized he is shy, and shy people don’t especially feel
comfortable with eye-contact. She might
have also learned that he was a boy scout with numerous merit badges, that he
was interested in history, that he read more than three books a week, that he
loved to garden and care for animals, and that avoiding eye-contact does not
make a child “slow,” nor is it valid to make complex judgments of a person
based on one behavior without seeking more information.
These and many more moments like
them sit in my heart and remind me to ask before I condemn the student who
forgets his homework, does not come to class, or puts his head on the
desk. Some people will not answer
personal questions, but what I have discovered over the years is that most
people simply want to be understood and accepted. When that happens, they are more open to
suggestion, support, and growth. Besides, we all have times when we wish
someone had just asked first.
So true, Jenny!
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